but I will do my best to raise him in a way that is honoring to her memory and I will cherish him as the gift he is from my gracious and loving Heavenly Father.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Since finding out that I'm having another boy, the question I get asked more times than I can count is "Are you disappointed that you're not having a girl?" Seems like a simple enough question and certainly not one that is asked with any ill-intent, but it has been a difficult one for me to answer. I've thought a lot about how to answer this question and I've come to realize that I don't really have an official response. How do you categorize disappointment? How is it measured? Sure, I could come up with a list of things that my life will lack without a daughter, but is that a valuable use of my time? Should I be focusing on the things that I won't get to do, at the expense of focusing my attention on caring for this new life? As I was laying awake in bed one night thinking about all of this, I realized something. My being disappointed does two things: It puts the focus on me and my desires and it states that I don't believe God knows what is best for my family. It's a selfish emotion that has nothing to do with my little boy and everything to do with myself. So I decided that night to think about this baby and his life, what it will be like for him to join our family. I thought about how he's going to have two older brothers that he gets to grow up with. I thought about how he has a great dad who will wrestle with him and chase him around the house and teach him about superheros and video games. I thought about how he'll have me to try to counter-balance all that "daddy stuff" by asking him to bake with me or do a craft project or go see a play. I thought about his grandparents and how much they will dote on him and snuggle him and make him feel more loved than he could ever realize. And my self-focused, poor-me attitude melted away. My heart felt like it was going to explode with love for this boy and I wondered how on earth I could ever let myself feel anything other than deep joy at the anticipation of his arrival. Then all at once, those feelings vanished and my heart broke into a million pieces. And I was disappointed all over again, grieved actually, but not in my former self-focused way. An image came to my mind and I realized that my child, boy or girl, would never have the deep and incredible honor of being held by the loving arms of my grandmother. So, I guess I would say that my disappointment, my sadness comes from the fact that this little boy is coming into a world where he will never have this: